Expectations - The invisible rulebook in your marriage
How to understand them and communicate them to get closer - 3 min read
Everything that happens in your life and marriage is filtered through an invisible rulebook you have called 'Expectations - what I expect from everyone in my life.'
These expectations are always switched on.
They include everyone.
And everything.
Always.
And you can't switch them off.
We have expectations for literally everyone from the barista at our local cafe to our parents, our kids, our friends and, most importantly, our spouse.
The closer someone is to you, the higher your expectations become.
Think about it this way. If a total stranger walked past you on the street and called you an idiot, you’d be shocked for a second, maybe think, “Well, that was weird,” and move on with your day.
But if your spouse called you an idiot? That’s a completely different story. You’d be hurt, offended, or both.
Because we care more about those closest to us, we hold them to a much higher standard. But when they deliver lower than we expect, we are left with an Expectation Gap.
Continues below…
What are you filling the gap with?
When your spouse misses the mark, a gap is created between what you expected would happen and what actually happened. You have to fill that gap with something.
Most people naturally fill it with hurt, offence, or a desire to "get even" by withdrawing or lashing out. Or they store it away for future reference slowly getting bitter over time.
But there are 3 much better options:
The first one is grace.
Love.
You know it wasn't their intention to hurt you or make you feel small or yuck or frustrated or inconvenienced. So you cover it with love and grace. And you don't even need to mention it or use it as ammunition in a future argument. It's dealt with and the gap is closed.
You're all good.
The second is communication.
What you can't cover with grace, you should talk about.
Talk about what happened and how it made you feel. This is best done using a wording framework that doesn't escalate the chat into a full-blown fight.
When you... I felt... could you...
"When you (insert thing they did here), I felt (how it made you feel?). Could you (the behaviour you expect of them instead*)."
Example: "Hey babe, when you get home from work and dump your lunch containers on the bench, I feel frustrated because it feels like I'm expected to handle it. Could you please pop them into the dishwasher instead?"
The third is forgiveness.
This is the "superpower" of a healthy marriage. Learning to communicate and forgive clears the air before bitterness has a chance to fester. It keeps the "Invisible Rulebook" from becoming a list of grievances. Here’s HOW TO FORGIVE YOUR SPOUSE.
But here's the big thing about expectations. Unless we communicate them, they're silent. And the problem with silent expectations is that we still expect our spouse to do all the things we have in our invisible rulebook... we're just not prepared to tell them. And we're still going to get upset, cranky or hurt when they don't do what we expect.
So whenever you discover an expectation you have of your spouse that you haven't communicated, have an expectation conversation! We have these regularly. Here's an example:
“Hey babe, I've realised I have an expectation of you that I don't think we've ever talked about before. Can I share it with you?”
Don’t let your invisible rulebook create a permanent gap in your connection. Start voicing what you expect, covering the mistakes with grace, and building a marriage where you’re both on the same page.
Go build your intimacy together.
