Is Choreplay Really a Thing?
How teamwork directly impacts your intimacy - 5 min read
Like many couples, when we were first married, we took all our cues from our families of origin. Some of those cues were great, and others needed a little tweaking for our own newfound wedded bliss.
One thing we’ve learned is that household tasks and mental load can become super imbalanced and need reassessment with every change of season.
Each job change, push season, child added to the family, living situation change, and ageing parent situation adds different complexities for each of you that will impact what you’re carrying in other places and, in turn, may impact your closeness and intimacy.
Let's answer a few big questions today. At the end, we'll provide a conversation guide.
Is Choreplay a thing? Does "helping around the house" help her get in the mood?
Is housework simply his responsibility, and should he get 'points' for just being a regular housemate?
Where does mental load factor in here? And what is it, and what is its role in a functional household?
How does teamwork affect intimacy?
Let's start with this disclaimer :). Every couple is a bit different. I'll use **broad generalisations** here, but they might differ slightly in your relationship and with your preferences. That's good. If you know what you want, you can communicate it, and together you can work towards a really healthy dynamic in this area of your relationship.
1. Is Choreplay real?
The short answer? Yes.
Probably…
Maybe…
It depends on your spouse. No really, it does.
Most women love it when their spouse contributes in meaningful ways around the house, preferably without complaining or having to be asked. Initiative goes a LONG way.
When he engages with the kids, takes out the trash, mows the lawn, cleans up after dinner or cooks, vacuums, whatever... It's serving and loving, and that's the point.
Even if he’s still learning or needs a reminder now and then, the fact that he’s putting in effort really matters. And it helps, leaving her feeling supported and even loved!
For some women, this is a turn-on.
Maybe she's Acts of Service love language. Maybe her dad did very little around the house, and her expectations are low. Maybe he's showing fresh effort to serve their family. Maybe it's a new thing, or he's trying really hard after lots of tough conversations.
Whatever it is, this is really helpful for some women (and men) when it comes to intimacy. More on this below in point 4.
Continues below…
2. But isn't it just his responsibility?
The short answer? Yes.
Should he get points for not being a jerk housemate? It's up to you.
But he'll definitely lose points for NOT contributing, not engaging, not caring and not putting in the effort.
So, either way, it's worth it for him!
But here's where it starts to come down to roles. Have you defined them? Do you have clear expectations of each other regarding specific chores, jobs, and responsibilities?
We didn't for YEARS. There was some clarity, of course. You don't cook AND clean up. Simple. We are both parents. I don't babysit the kids... because they're MY kids too. I'm a parent. But it took me (Darren) longer to accept responsibility for my role in the home.
For years, I saw my job as supporting Beck. "Helping" Beck. If I did some laundry or vacuumed, I was an amazing husband who helped around the house.
But that's part of the problem.
It's my house too. If you shared a house or apartment with anyone else before you got married, I'm guessing the expectation was that you contributed as much as the people you shared with to keeping it in a reasonable condition? So it makes sense that I take ownership, not as a hero for 'helping', but just as someone who’s part of the team.
I should take responsibility for my part in the running of the household, the mental load and be a team player whenever anything isn't neatly specified.
So, yes, the man should contribute around the home and carry his fair share of the mental load. You both should. We have a silly saying we use regularly. "It's always team. Always!" Everything is team, including housework, parenting and mental load.
Again, clarity of roles is essential. Otherwise, he's flailing about (and probably failing in her eyes) because he doesn't know what's expected of him. (Here’s a post we did earlier - The Housework Problem Solved. Enjoy!)
He might not know what mental load is either. Most men I talk with don't really understand it. (Kudos to you if you're a man reading this and you do!)
3. What about mental load?
Mental load is everything you're carrying that isn't seen. It's a mental to-do list, the ongoing checklist of everything that has to get done and when.
Ok, so I need to get that present for Timmy's party on Saturday morning, do a load of whites because we need that shirt on Sunday. I'm making stir-fry tonight, but we ran out of mushrooms, so I need those too. The garage door is broken, so I need to get a quote for that, plus the floors need a good mop before the Mother-In-Law comes over tomorrow.
The easiest way I know to help men understand this concept (because many men haven't grown up seeing it modelled or even realised it was a thing...) is to ask, "Who buys the kids gifts? And who does the meal plan for the week's dinners?"
Generally, it's the wife. Not all the time I know. But mostly.
Here's a tip we learned from someone recently (thanks Bentley!): Don't assign tasks, assign responsibility. Don't say, "Can you please get Timmy's friend's gift before Saturday? He likes car racing Lego." Assign responsibility instead. "Ok, are you to take on buying the gifts for Timmy's parties?" or all the kids parties, or whatever.
Now, the person responsible must do everything necessary to make that part of your life together work.
Some other examples:
Instead of: “Can you put a note on the calendar about the school photo day?” say: “Do you want to take the lead on keeping track of school notes and events?”
Instead of: “Can you call the plumber?” say: “Would you be up for managing home maintenance stuff like trades and quotes?”
Instead of: “Can you pick up the birthday cake?” say: “Could you take over birthday planning for the kids this year?”
Instead of: “Can you drive the kids to sport this week?” say: “Do you want to be the main contact for kids’ sport this term—including rego, uniforms and lifts?”
You can still discuss it, discuss preferences, calendars, costings, etc. You're still a team, but the role is clear: One person is responsible.
It mightn't start out perfect. We all make mistakes. But at least it's not confusing, muddy or unclear, and now, each person knows their role.
4. How does teamwork impact intimacy?
When one of you feels unsupported, it can often become an intimacy blocker.
Someone said recently in a video I saw, "She needs to turn her brain off for her body to turn on." And that’s difficult when she’s got an extensive to-do list taking up mental real estate.
There's a direct link between intimacy (both emotional and physical) and a couple's sense of teamwork.
Couples who both feel supported and like they're working together on all the everyday stuff like dishes, kids’ homework, juggling finances and errands feel closer. There's a sense of togetherness and that you're both working towards the same beautiful goals.
Nothing stifles intimacy more than feeling alone in the struggle. Not to mention, if one person is doing all the things, that's physically exhausting. Don't expect a raging horn bag when you're going to bed if she's solo-parenting until 9 p.m.
We had this issue. We had three kids under 2 for a while (our twin boys were born when our eldest boy was 20 months old). The first 2 years of the twins' lives were sheer chaos and exhaustion, especially for Beck.
Eventually, the light bulb went on for me and I realised that when I got home from a hard day's work, it wasn't time to relax. It was time to ENGAGE... with the kids AND with the housework. It wasn't put-my-feet-up-and-ask-for-my-pipe-and-slippers time. It was time to wrangle and play with these energetic boys, help bathe and feed them, put them to bed and clean up the disaster zone that had become the living and dining rooms.
Teamwork makes you feel supported. It creates a culture of "We’ve got this." You begin to experience each other as partners in life, not competitors or disconnected roommates.
That spills over into everything: your connection, your laughter, how safe it feels to be vulnerable, how you handle stress… and yep, your sex life too.
Teamwork directly impacts intimacy.
To every guy reading this: if you're doing your best to show up, learn, and love your wife well, you're on the right track. Keep growing. Keep showing up. Teamwork doesn't mean perfection, it just means you’re doing it together!
Conversation Guide: Talk It Out
Use these prompts for a low-pressure, connection-building conversation:
When do you feel like we’re a great team?
What part of the mental load do you carry that you wish I noticed more?
What are 2–3 responsibilities we can reassign so it feels more balanced?
What makes you feel most supported by me?
How can we check in weekly to stay in sync with home and mental load stuff?
Keep the vibe light and kind. You’re not trying to score points or start an argument. You’re just trying to understand each other better and keep growing as a team.
