Six Types of Sex

Why having your own terminology for sex helps you build sexual intimacy in your marriage - 5-minute read

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Imagine being able to have a conversation about sex where you’re both easily and clearly able to ask for what you want.

Sex conversations are always an emotionally charged issue, even before you get started, because sex is important to every marriage, and it is a complex thing impacted by so many factors. Almost everything impacts your sexual intimacy in some way, positive or negative.

12 months ago, we had a game-changing sex conversation. I simply told Beck what would make me a happy man. We talked openly about frequency and type, and it was clear and refreshing. She was pleasantly surprised.

What helped was clearly defined definitions, openness and vulnerability.

Clarity is super important in sex conversations because it helps us understand what the other person means and is asking for. Simply having this specific conversation enabled us to launch into a new phase of our sex life together.

You’ve probably heard of terms like the ‘quickie’, and you might use terms like shag, bonk and making love in your own marriage. But what Beck and I learned is that defining different types of sex helps us communicate better and define our expectations more clearly.

The Goals for Conversations about Sex

Before we define the 6 terms we use, let’s look at the goals of sex conversations. This is what we’re trying to achieve here:

1. Both people enjoy meaningful sex in a comfortable frequency

I say comfortable because the frequency will rarely be perfect for both of you. The goal isn’t perfection but intimacy. Like Dr Allan Myer said, “Marriage is the triumph of intimacy over perfection.” We aren’t going for perfect because that’s unattainable and will just be super frustrating. We are aiming for meaningful sex for both of us that creates intimacy.

2. Normalise talking about sex

Sex is a conversation that never truly stops. It gets put on hold regularly, but it is a conversation that weaves throughout your whole married life together. If the conversation has been paused for too long, it can be quite difficult to start back up. Like a car that’s been sitting in the garage for months without being driven, a sex conversation like this needs a jumpstart.

Plan a date night to talk and dream about what you want for your sex life. Make it as special as you can and go with an agreement to discuss your sex life. Here are some questions to get you started:

Date Night Sex Questions 🌶️

• What do we enjoy most about our sex life?
• What do we need to work on?
• How do you feel when we make love?
• What’s one thing you would like to try in our love-making?
• What terminology should we use?

3. Use terminology you both understand

If your spouse says to you, “We don’t have sex anymore” but literally, two nights ago you had sex, then your definitions aren’t working for you. What we are often complaining about is a lack of ‘meaningful sex’, and that’s different. Why? Because meaningful sex will probably mean different things to both of you. And it helps to know what your spouse calls meaningful when it comes to sex.

Continues below…

Let’s talk terminology. You can use these terms and definitions, or you can come up with whatever you like. But these types are all different and have a place of their own. 

Six Types of Sex

These aren’t the only 6 types, but it’ll give you some helpful terminology to work with when you’re thinking about sex and talking about sex with your spouse. 

1. Lovemaking

When we refer to making love, we mean that it’s a mutually pleasurable experience that is slowed down, without the pressure of time restraint or energy deficiency. 

This should be fairly frequent in a healthy marriage. If there’s no love-making, there’s a lack of deep, connected, physical intimacy. If you just get it over and done with for him all the time or you just want a sexual release every time, that’s not building real intimacy. See number 2 below for this.

Lovemaking builds the love between you. There’s a deep sense of satisfaction you both feel afterwards. You have enjoyed each other's touch, lips, eye contact, closeness and affection in a physical, sexual way and it was wonderful.

Making love is a great goal to have every month.

2. Maintenance

Every couple we’ve ever met has different sex drive. One person needs it more than the other. That’s ok and is very normal.

We think maintenance sex is a great tool. It is a way to love and serve your spouse by doing it for them when you don’t need it. Maintenance sex is good for couples with a libido differential. It’s still physical closeness and an intimate act of love and service. 

It’s also a great way to reset expectations. “Sorry babe, I’m not up for lovemaking tonight, but I could do maintenance.”

3. Ice-breaker

It’s been a while between drinks!

We get it. When you want to restore some rhythm to your sex life, again, ice-breaker sex is your go-to. Instead of putting lots of pressure on the first time back to be wild, passionate, chandelier-swinging lovemaking, just lose the clothes, get into bed, enjoy it and do it.

Don’t build it up to be a big thing, or you might get very disappointed. Just shag ☺️.

4. The 5-minute window

A speaker we once heard would sometimes say to her husband, “I’m not in the mood but I’ll give you 5 minutes to turn me.”

This is a great option for when you’re not there but you’re open to seeing what happens. You can then choose your own adventure, whether it turns into some wonderful lovemaking or you get to go to sleep (in 5 minutes haha)

5. Red hot

You can’t get each other's clothes off fast enough. You’re both magically in the mood at the same time. Everything has come together somehow. The kids went to bed perfectly, you’ve still got energy, and all the stars are aligned! Duration isn’t important. You could be done in minutes and both exhausted and satisfied, or it could turn into something longer and wonderful.

Doesn’t matter. You’re both glowing afterwards and feel better connected for days.

6. Scheduled

One of the most powerful tools in the marriage toolbox especially in our busy, emotionally exhausting era. Scheduling sex is something you need to try! Check out this blog post for more and why this could be the stress reliever you need!

What terminology will you use? You can adopt these or make up your own!

The goal is to have terminology you both understand when you’re talking about sex or asking for it so you understand each other, set the right expectations and build the intimacy in your marriage.