Fairness is Ruining Your Intimacy

Fairness only gets you even. Generosity and love get you close. - 4 minute read

---

Who spent more?
She went out with the girls last week and had a fun night. It's my turn this week.

Who contributed more?
Did we both do the same amount of chores this week? No wonder I'm tired.

Who gave up more?
I give way more to him than he does to me right now. He should sacrifice more for me. This isn't fair.

"THIS ISN'T FAIR"

Welcome to the comparison trap happening inside most marriages. It's that mental scoreboard you're quietly running in the background that weighs and measures how much your spouse does, spends and contributes to the household and parenting.

And, yes, it might not be fair. That might be true.

But let's take a look under the hood here. Because the comparison you're making might make your frustration feel justified, but it's quietly creating distance between you.

Why is that?

Because what we're really testing is:

• Do they love me as much as I love them?

• Are we really a team here, or do I have to be the mother/father/leader/instigator of all things?

• Are they making as much of an effort as me?

What we're looking for are gaps. Inconsistencies. Ammunition. Justification. When we feel like things aren't equal, we often start looking for evidence.

So, how do we resolve this?

Firstly, we should realise that,

1. Fairness is a pretty good starting point

If we're really imbalanced when it comes to housework, parenting, mental load, contributing to the relationship, time with friends, time alone or whatever you find yourself measuring, then, yes, start with what is fair.

Don't start with what is even. Even means each person does the same amount. And, in most marriages, that isn't fair because each person is carrying different responsibilities and expectations on them. Take your full context into account here.

For example, in COVID Darren learned to cook and ended up doing the lion's share of the housework too. Why? Because our context changed and Beck was an essential worker in a high stress role. So things had to change so we could balance our life.

Recently, it's reverted. Beck cooks 5 times a week now and does more around the house than Darren. Why? Because she's working 3 days a week and has the time, space and energy. Context is important.

So start with your context and everything that's on your plate, then discuss what is 'fair'. Then you've got your starting point.

2. Fairness is really all about one thing

Me.

The real issue with fairness is that it's not really about love at all. Love is about the other. Love is service. Love is sacrifice. Love is kind and giving and is about blessing the other person with something they'd appreciate or find helpful or meaningful.

Love does the other person's chore for them without being asked.
Love buys the little chocolate that says I'm thinking about you.
Love strokes the other person's neck simply because they love it.

Love is about the other.
Fairness is about me.

Now, I'm all for roles and responsibilities around the home, parenting together, sharing the mental load and teamwork in everything. We should FEEL like we're doing life TOGETHER. We should both get our hands dirty when it comes to whatever it takes to make the house function and thrive.

But when we're score-keeping and getting angry, we've started building a case against our spouse.

Instead of responding in love.
Instead of communicating.

So, then you can:

3. Communicate what you want

Don't let the scorecard build up. Don't let the evidence mount. Don't let the distance grow between your hearts.

Talk about it.

• "Hey babe, do you think you could take responsibility for the bins every day? That would really help me."

• "Hey babe, can we chat about something that's important to me? I feel like I'm kinda drowning when it comes to the kids. It would be awesome if you could engage with them when you get home from work."

• "Hey babe, I'm kinda feeling like things are a bit imbalanced at the moment and I'd love us to get on the same page about it. Does tonight work for us to talk about it?"

No whining.
No complaining.
No festering inner grumbling voice.

Just putting it on the table of discussion and learning to work as a team about it.

Then you can,

4. Love generously

Fairness is a great starting point. But it's a terrible goal. The endgame should never be that everything becomes fair.

Fair is transactional. Fair is clinical. Fair is roommate territory. Fair is sterile.

The real goal, aside from communication, should be loving each other generously.

Love is personal. Love is extra. Love is unexpected. Love is thoughtful. Love is warm, generous, over-the-top, out-of-the-blue kindness.

Love should be the goal.
Love should be the vision. The dream. The target.

Whenever things are out of balance, start with what is fair then shift into genuine love.

Ok, your challenge is to go do something loving and generous right now. Even if you feel like things aren't fair. Often the best way to break the comparison loop is to decide to love anyway and do something they wouldn't expect (e.g make their coffee, take a chore off their plate without being asked, text them something kind).